I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
