well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
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