I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
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