Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
