My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
