Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
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