He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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