They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I'm jealous of your bromance
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
