i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
