I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
