I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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