and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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