my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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