I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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