Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
