Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
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