So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
