gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize