In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
