took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
