I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
i think my cat just said my name.
I got inside last night via doggy door
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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