thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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