He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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