dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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