Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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