He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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