I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
