Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Randomize
