I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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