I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
