Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
