So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
