it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
