I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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