I seem to have left my pride at pride
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
God, I missed his penis.
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