ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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