I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Randomize
