ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
