On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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