Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
