they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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