Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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