apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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