U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
