I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
