It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
