she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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