dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Found the puke drawer
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Randomize
