Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
