He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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