I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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