I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I just want nice things and good sex
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
