I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
