What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize