I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
