Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
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