YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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