Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Randomize
