Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize