My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
