We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
