So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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