got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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