I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
