I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
