She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
There's always time for handjobs
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Randomize
